A Fractured Fairytale
by Jedi Knight Padme
Summary: A guy in a tower, a girl in shining armour, & a dragon. What do you get? A Fractured Fairytale, of course! Join Kate & Corin on their Marvelous Madcap Misadventures! NEW CHAPTER! READ & REVIEW!
1. Introducing Kate & Corin!

THE MARVELOUS MISADVENTURES OF SIR KATE AND LADY CORIN 

As the sun beamed down on the country estate of Sir Peter, Katherine Steelaxe, better known as Kate, bounded down the stairs to the kitchens, where breakfast was being served. "G'morning Ma, g'morning Pa, wot's new?" Without waiting for an answer, she slid into her chair and started gulping down porridge as fast as she could. When she finished, she belched loudly. Catching her mother's eye, she added "'scuse me," then proceeded to wipe her mouth with the back of her hand, just as her very proper lady sister Veronica came into the kitchen. She glared at Kate.

"Mother," she complained. "It seems I just _can't_ get a suitor. Hector came," and here she sighed, fluttering her lashes, "but he left as soon as he saw _someone_ picking her teeth with her knife." Veronica glared at her sister again. "Really, Mother, we _have_ to do something about Katherine."

"Kate," corrected Kate. "M'name's Kate. Though I'd rather have something more dashing, like, say, aaah, I know, Sir Steelfist! Yeah, that's perfect!" And she skipped out the door, singing in a terribly off-key voice, leaving her mother and sister gazing after her in disbelief.

Sir Peter chuckled. "Aah, that's my Kate. Fancy 'er coming up with a name like that!" Still chuckling, he opened the newspaper, _The Daily Boar_. "Hmm. Seems like 'Is Majesty King Arthur 'as been keepin' busy. Tha' dragon's token off wid another fair maiden. 'Is wife prob'ly ain't too happy," he added, glancing at his own wife, who sniffed disdainfully.

"Humph!" she snorted. "Her Majesty couldn't be more pleased. '_So_ happy that I have such a _wonderful_ husband', says she. Laws, she's as bad as our Kate!"

"Did you hear?" Veronica interrupted. "Her Majesty is going to _train for war_! Can you _believe_ that! It's as though she hasn't any balls to attend. Why, if _I_ were she, _I_ would have been _perfectly_ pleased without any silly training. Humph!"

Sir Peter hastily changed the subject. "Oy, lookee here, that sissy Corin missed another tournament! They found 'im pickin' daisies in the field two blocks away! Hah!" he sniggered.

The sound of his laughter floated out to the field where Kate was cleaning her horse's stall. She stopped for a moment to draw her sword and wave it over her head, bringing it swishing down on an unlucky lizard that happened to be passing through.

"Yahaa!" Kate yelled triumphantly. "See," she told her horse confidently, "I'm as good as any knight." She bent to wipe her sword on the ground. As she rose, she noticed a dark shape swoop over the field next door. It flew higher, this time with a beribboned figure trapped in its claws. It was the dragon!

In the house next door, the morning had started differently from Kate's. As the sun shone into Corin's bedroom, he sat up and yawned, pressing a pink kerchief to his mouth to cover his mouth. He climbed out of bed, folded his blue-ribboned nightgown neatly, and headed for the bathroom, where he squeezed "Queen's Teeth Toothpaste" onto his pink toothbrush, which he had bought secretly with his allowance. After he finished brushing his teeth, he opened his closet and chose a light pink shirt and purple pants to wear for the day. On his sleeves, he carefully tied pink ribbons to the elbows and wrists, doing the same to his pants, on which he had hand-sewn lacy cuffs. He dressed carefully, remembering to pin his violet kerchief to his shirt. Then he stepped daintily into the kitchen.

"Good morning, Mother, good morning, Father," he said, pecking his mother on the cheek. He sat down in his place at the table, where a pink linen placemat was neatly labeled with the name 'Corin'. Corin then started to eat, spooning tiny helpings into his mouth, chewing ten times and swallowing slowly, just as he had read in '_A Lady's Guide to Etiquette_', though he wasn't sure if it applied to oatmeal. He had just finished his bowl of porridge when his rowdy brothers came into the kitchen, yelling and whooping loudly.

"Oy, Corin, lookit, yer name's in the paper! Guess wot it says! You went daisy pickin' again! Haw haw!"

Corin looked at his brother primly. "A gentla-I mean a gentle_man_ does not participate in the unla-un_manly_ activities that you participate in. _I_ am a gentlela-gentleman."

Rising quickly, he left the table. Corin hurried to his bedroom, pulled out his helmet (which had been made into a basket by attaching ribbons to it), and went out into the field, where he would be free from his family. In two minutes he was happily making daisy wreaths and humming the song '_I Am A Lady Fair'_. Just as he finished his third wreath, and was starting another song, a giant black shadow fell over him. It was the dragon! Mistaking Corin for a girl (you would've too, if you had seen him with ribbons and a flower wreath in his hair), the dragon swooped over him and grabbed him in its claws. Corin shrieked once, remembering the rules in '_If You're Captured By A Dragon'_, and fainted gracefully. Fifteen minutes later, the dragon deposited him in a high tower, and settled down for a nap. Corin timidly opened his eyes, and, after checking that the coast was clear, picked up a piece of embroidery that was lying on the bed. He sat on the windowsill and sighed.


	2. The Rescue!

At the moment the dragon flew off with Corin, Kate was saddling her horse. She threw on her armour, buckled her sword around her waist, and swung herself onto the saddle. "Yeehaa!" she yelled. And with that she galloped over the plains.

Back in his tower, Corin noticed a cloud of dust nearing the tower. Instinct (and a few tips from '_If You're Captured By A Dragon')_ told him that that was his rescuer. Corin leaned out the window and waved a violet scarf the just _happened_ to be lying on the bed. "Help me, fair knight, help me!" he cried. With a last wave of the scarf, he drew back to watch the fight.

Kate stopped her horse as she approached the dozing dragon. "Release the prisoner or fight me, you vermin!" she yelled, waving her sword. The dragon opened one eye, nodded sleepily, and trundled off to get ready for the fight.

While she was waiting, Kate looked up and waved to Corin. 'Don't worry, I'll save you!" she called. Corin nodded, smiling gratefully, as a dragon's prisoner should.

A minute later the dragon came out, ready to fight. He opened his wings, opened his mouth, and…nothing came out.

Kate looked annoyed. Cupping her hands to her mouth, she yelled, "Try again! Narrow your nostrils and open your mouth wider!" The dragon grinned sheepishly and opened his mouth wide. Kate rolled her eyes. "Dragons these days," she complained to her horse. "They never get things right." Then she shifted her attention back to the dragon. "Get it right this time!" she shouted.

It nodded, and the fight started. The dragon opened his wings and blew hard at Kate. She wheeled her horse around, dodging the fire. The dragon reared up, and came down with a thud, roaring. He slashed at Kate, making sure he missed her, and she brought her sword swishing down to the dragon's neck. She, too, made sure she did not harm her opponent. "Surrender, you vile worm!" she yelled in the dragon's ear.

The dragon winced, and wiggled a claw in his ear. "Mercy," he croaked.

"Good," said Kate, nodding. "Now you stay here while I release the prisoner." Raising her sword, she knocked on the door of the tower. "You can come out now!" she called.

Corin ran down the steps daintily, flung open the door, and fell into Kate's arms.

"Oh, thank you, fair knight!" he gasped, and then fainted again, more gracefully than before. Kate raised her eyebrows, but did not comment.

"Mr. Dragon, sir," she said, addressing the dragon, who was watching everything with amusement. "I require you to go to King Arthur's court, and tell him that you have been defeated by Kate of Stonewall, daughter of Sir Peter. Sorry," she added in a whisper.

The dragon nodded at her kindly. "Not at all, I understand. Nice meeting you," he said sociably. He nodded at Corin, who had revived. "Nice meeting you, too," he added as he flew off.

Kate smiled at Corin, who fell in love with her at once. "Come on," she told him. "We've got to get to King Arthur's court. To be knighted, you know. At least, _I_ want to be knighted." She placed Corin on the back of her saddle, and they were off.


	3. Almost The End!

**Super special thanks to Lulai, who was the only one to review my story since last night! Here's the next chapter, just for you! **

In two hours they had reached King Arthur's court. When they got there, Kate walked boldly up to the king, and belched loudly, which appalled most of the ladies present.

After Kate told her story, King Arthur nodded and laughed. "Aye, the dragon came. A fine specimen, he was, as dragons go. I rewarded him with a new tower, and a free signed copy of '_How To Fight A Knight'_. Quite grateful, he was. Now, what dost thou wish to have as _thy_ reward? Speak up, be not shy."

Kate stepped forward. "I want to be knighted as Sir Kate Steelfist, and become an honoury member of the Round Table," she said.

All the lords and ladies gasped. They whispered and nudged each other; they were sure the king would refuse her request.

King Arthur swept a disapproving glance over all those assembled. The noise died down, and the king, returning his gaze to Kate, said, "Unbuckle thy sword, maiden, and give it to me." Kate did so, and knelt down. King Arthur leaned forward, and placed the tip of the sword on her shoulder, a small smile playing on his lips. "I, King Arthur, Lord of All Britain, Head of the Honoured Round Table, Ruler of Cornwall and Wales, blah blah blah, hereby declare thee, Katherine, as Sir Kate Dragon-slayer Steelfist, and Master of Belches." Everyone gasped again. This time the king's smile broke into a grin, and he turned to Corin, who was nervously twisting his handkerchief. "And what dost _thou_ wish for?" the king asked.

Corin turned red and curtsied, trying to remember the rules in "_How to Talk to the King"_. "Your Majesty," he began. "I beseech you to make me the Master of Sewing and Dressmaking in thy castle. And perhaps Master of Makeovers, too." And he blushed again.

King Arthur tried hard to stop from roaring with laughter, but he ended up snorting, and he hastily faked a cough. "Ahem," he said, clearing his throat. "I hereby declare this young man, Corin, Master of Sewing, Dressmaking, and Makeovers (which loads of you grand ladies need; do you have _any_ idea how hideous you look?), as well as Royal Teacher of Sewing to all young girls in this castle." Here Arthur could not stop his laughter. "And I, haha, ask you if, hawhaw, if you (snort) want to, whoohaha, want to get married…hahaha!" And Arthur was now so overcome that his face turned red and he had to be led away by his wife, who was laughing just as hard. The sounds of their hysterical giggling could be heard for some time, but eventually calmed down. When they returned, they looked quite serious, but the corners of their mouths kept twitching.

By this time, Kate had already proposed to Corin, who had gone red again and was trying to remember the rules in _"How to Act if Someone Proposes to You"_. Corin stammered a yes, so Kate had plucked a diamond ring of a grand lady's hand and presented it to Corin.

After everything had been settled down, King Arthur set about preparing Kate and Corin's wedding. The main problem was what they should wear, for Kate flatly refused to wear a dress, and Corin insisted he wanted something fancy with ribbons.

In the end, the king let them have their own way, so Kate wore a nobleman's tunic embroidered with gold and silver thread, and Corin wore a beautiful white tuxedo with white ribbons, lace on the sleeves, a pearl belt, and a cluster of white roses.

On their wedding day, they looked so comical that everyone was laughing so hard that even the priest had difficulty in speaking.

After their marriage, Kate went abroad in search of adventure, and Corin was content to stay at home to keep house and perform his duties at the castle. And they did NOT live happily ever after.

**This isn't the end, mates…more misadventures to come soon! And keep reviewing! Reviews are my sustenance…if you don't review you won't get anymore! Be warned!**


	4. Part 2: Corin Kidnapped!

**Thanks to_ Lulai_, _stubble96_, and _Glaze_! Oh yeah, and _Glaze_, the reason they don't live happily ever after is because they keep on having weird adventures…**

A few months after Kate and Corin married, Kate, as was said earlier, went abroad in search of adventure. As soon as Kate went, she found all the adventure she wanted. After a year of rescuing maidens (who were rather annoyed when they were rescued by a girl and not Prince Charming), destroying dragons (evil ones), vanquishing villains, walloping witches and such like, she became rather bored. So she decided to go back home where she was sure her faithful husband was waiting.

When she got back home to England, everything was in an uproar. Kate struggled through the crowds, trying to get to her house, where she would demand an explanation from Corin. But to her surprise, the closer she got home, the thicker the crowds became. When she finally got to her front door, she gasped. The windows were smashed, the roof was caved in, and there was a big board propped up against the wall. Kate read the message quickly. Written in a large, untidy scrawl, the message read: "Ha ha ha! We have captured your precious little man. He will be kept as our prisoner and husband to our leader. Don't bother looking for him. He's as good as dead to you now." It was signed, "The Amazonian Ogresses".

Kate was furious. Everyone in Not-Really-That-Merry Olde England knew who the Amazonian Ogresses were. They were a group of uncouth, immodest female ogres, who would occasionally kidnap men to marry various women of the tribe so that they could have daughters to carry on the duties and traditions of an Amazonian Ogress. If, however, the baby they gave birth to were a boy, the ogresses would kick both father and son out into a forest near their home, which was inhabited by vampires, werewolves, and the occasional imported cannibal. Incensed by the audacity of the Ogresses to kidnap _her_ husband, Kate saddled up her horse, polished her sword, added a feather to her helmet, placed food and drink in her saddlebags, and set off to rescue her husband (again!) with a cry of, "Yayalahoooooooooooo! I'm comin', my darlin'!"

**P.S. Sorry for the short chappy, but there'll be more coming! Do not despair! And do not let this stop you from reviewing!**


	5. A Sad State of Affairs

Hullo again! Soooooo sorry for the long wait, but I was busy with the real world! I love everyone who reviews! blows kisses 

After a week of searching, Kate reached her destination after being helped by a kind gnome who showed her the way when he found her heading in the opposite direction. She peered into the fog, trying to keep her eyes focused on the dark castle that seemed to vanish every so often. "Hmmm,' she muttered to her horse. "Doesn't seem like we'd be able to storm the castle, eh, bucko? Nope, no time for brave last stands an' all that stuff, no, ye simply can't do such things when yer rescuing yer hubby, no sir, you can't!" And she sighed, seeing that it would be a long, hard task.

That night, Kate crept into the castle through an open window she had found. She kept her eyes and ears open, ready to fight anything in her way. As she slipped past an open doorway, noises urged her to look inside. The scene that confronted her was horrifying. A large, crudely made table was set in the middle of the room, with the barbaric females crowded around it, sitting on tipsy chairs. Kate shook her head in disgust. The ogresses were wearing short skirts made of large leaves strung together with rawhide strips, and stained, dirty t-shirts that had sleeves missing, tatty feathers glued on to make them to make them look even more terrible, and rude signs written on them with neon ink. Several of them had mice or rats scampering around their chairs, and more than a few of them had fleas buzzing around their heads. But the thing that nearly broke Kate's heart was the sight of Corin. He was sitting dejectedly next to the leader, his bonnet hanging to one side, his apron torn and dirty, and many of the ribbons that Kate had been so tickled by had been stained or were missing. Kate sniffed, wiping away a tear that threatened to fall. Then she started to pay attention to what was happening.

"How d' you like yer new home, eh?" "Missin' yer lady, are yeh?" One of the ogresses taunted. "Well, no matter 'bout tha', yer gonna be 'avin' a new lady now!" The ogresses guffawed loudly as one of them, presumably the 'bride', pretended to blush and giggle (a hideous sight that send shivers down Kate's spine). Corin averted his eyes from the terrible sight, looking pale and frightened. Suddenly the face of the ogress next to him (the bride-to-be) hardened. "Wha', yeh tryin' ter say tha' ye don't like me?" Her voice became harsh. "Well, ye'll 'ave ter live wid dat, wontcher? Git used to it, laddie." Her face twisted into a sneer as she said, "An' there's no better time'n now, innit?" She leaned over and locked her arms around him in a filthy embrace. As Corin squirmed in the hairy arms, the female suddenly let go, causing Corin to fall over backwards, revealing his pink polka-dotted bloomers. He struggled to sit up, covering his bloomers with his apron, tears on his cheeks. The ogresses quickly tired of tormenting Corin. Corin, realizing this, tried to escape, and hurried out of the hall, not seeing Kate. The ogresses didn't' give chase or attempt to stop him, merely shouting out random insults and jeering. "Don't ferget the weddin'!" "Sweet dreams, laddie! Think abou' yer weddin' night termorrer!" Cackling manically, their attention soon drifted on to other things. Heaving a sob and trying not to wail in despair, Corin fled to the (relative) peace and quiet of his dungeon.


	6. Kate Consoles Her Husband

**Again, sorry for the short chappy, but here it is! More soon!**

Keeping to the shadows, Kate followed Corin to his room, making sure that she could not be seen. When he was about to close the door, she stepped into the light. Corin's eyes widened in shock, and then he fell in Kate's arms, much like the way he did when they first met. "Oh, Kate!" he sighed. "I knew you'd rescue me! But how did you get in? And you _must_ help me escape. The torture I've suffered at the hands of these barbarians! No manners at all. But, according to '_Dungeons in Dangerous Dwellings: A Guide to the Perfect Prison_', which I found under the bed, this place is a typical cell room." Rising, he opened the door and let her in. Kate wrinkled her nose as stale air flew out to meet her. As Corin closed the door, Kate blinked in the dim light. As her eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, she could see a bare iron bed with a wafer-thin mattress, a moldy chair, and a small window with iron bars across it. Kate heard squeaking, and she turned to Corin questioningly. He shrugged, sitting down on the bed gingerly. "It's only the mice," he said. Kate raised her eyebrows in surprise. _Only_ mice? This place must really be awful, to have changed Corin so. The Corin _she_ remembered would have swooned at the very word 'mice'. Corin shifted to a more comfortable position on the bed. "I tried to make friends with them, the way it said in '_What To Do If You're Imprisoned'_," he continued, "but the mice kept running away. So I've been sitting around and trying to find out how to escape. I tried the 'Tie Your Sheets and Slip Out the Window' method, but _that _didn't work because of the iron bars. And I haven't found any enchanted mice to help me escape." Corin suddenly grabbed Kate's arm and looked up at her with pleading and desperate eyes. "Kate, you _have_ to get me out of here! They're marrying me off to their chief, and the wedding is _tomorrow_!" He shuddered. Kate felt extremely sorry for her husband, of whom she was extremely fond.

"Don't worry," she said soothingly. "I'll get you out of here if it's the last thing I do. We'll make a plan. In fact, I've got a plan already. Here's what we do…"


	7. A Wedding, and Kate To The Rescue!

**Once again, many thanks to my beloved reviewers! Just for you, a super-long chapter and the ending of this story! But do not fear! There will be more in store for our favourite characters!**

**And don't forget to review! Free virtual chocolate to anyone who reviews! waves chocolate bars in the air temptingly **

**Author Note: to translate Ogre-speech, just read the words backwards.**

The next morning, the ogresses came to fetch Corin for the 'wedding' to the chief. He went, but only after whimpering and fainting first. One ogress, named Grishanakh, grabbed him and dragged him the length of the hall, then turned and stuck her face in Corin's. "Yeh'll behave yerself when it's time ter marry the chief, ye hear?" She snarled, her rank breath making Corin want to gag. "'Cause if yeh don't, yeh'll regret it. Th' chief 'as a nasty way o' dealin' wi' folks as go agin 'er. An' trust me, yeh don' want ter find out first 'and." Grishanakh grinned horribly as Corin bobbed his head up and down like a bobbing-head doll, speechless with fright.

Grishanakh grabbed his arm and led him into another room, where he was forced to dress into a revolting, moldy, hairy brown suit. The ogresses chortled evilly, grinning at Corin's feet, which could be seen from beneath the screat, which Grishanakh had put around Corin so that he could change in relative privacy. When he stepped out, the ogresses went into fits of harsh laughter, slapping their thighs in merriment. He gazed at himself sorrowfully, wondering what they found so funny.

Grishanakh, who had been gone on an errand, returned, loaded with a pair of dirty black boots and an orange tie. She threw them at Corin, a boot hitting him on the side of his head. "Get'em on," grunted Grishanakh, "And be quick abou' it!" Corin obeyed meekly, fumbling with the tie and rubbing the side of his head. As soon as he got them on, a different ogress, named Aghshakh, dragged him to yet another chamber, where his head was wrapped in a dirty piece of cloth. The rest of him was drenched in a thoroughly disgusting smelling spray. Eau de Ogre, he thought himself wryly. After that, he was taken to the last room of all: the marriage chamber.

The stone room was lit with a strange blue-green light, revealing a grotesque statue of an obese ogress. The statue's mouth was open, and thick, sickly-sweet smelling smoke billowed out of it. From between its massive stone legs snakes, rats, mice, and roaches crawled out, slithering, scampering, and buzzing around long sticks incense that gave off the same sickly odor emanating from the statue's mouth. Behind the statue was a great fire, leaping up and casting fearsome shadows all around the chamber. At either end were two tall pillars of black marble, inscribed with evil looking signs. Bulls, sheep and goats were tethered to them, bleating loudly with fear. With a shiver of terror, Corin realized that they were meant to be sacrifices. He shut his eyes tightly, willing himself not to cry.

Aghshakh, whom he had forgotten, gave him a push, and he stumbled forward, tripping on a piece of stone. Harsh giggles made him look up, and he saw the chief ogress standing in front of him, with another ogress behind her. She was not dressed in her usual foul garb, but was wearing a much-stained and torn excuse for a wedding dress, clearly made by her kind and used many times. The ogress behind her grunted loudly, and tugged at the leader's arm. She turned, and the priestess (for that was what she was), started speaking in a strange tongue. "Agh, eht secifircas era ydaer, Marrahaghshakh," she rasped, indicating the animals and bowing to her ruler.

Marrahaghshakh, the chieftess, pulled Corin to his feet. "The sacrifices are ready," she informed him harshly. "Now follow me, and do not try to resist or interrupt. It is useless, and you would be punished. You would not enjoy the punishments. Be warned." Bobbing his head again in frightened submission, Corin followed her to what was unmistakably an altar.

The priestess raised her thick, hairy arms and clapped her hands twice. "Gnirb htrof eht secifircas!" she called, and instantly two groveling slaves came forward, crawling on their hands and knees and blubbering. "Tuhs pu, uoy elttil smrow!" the priestess roared, swinging her foot in a kick towards the slaves, who instantly scattered. "Won teg eht slamina! Won!" The slaves turned tail and fled to the marble pillars to which the animals were tied, and quickly untied two skittish bulls, keeping firm hold on the ropes tied around their necks and leading them back to the barbarian priestess.

On either side of the altar were two long tables, and the slaves, who apparently had great strength, lifted the two bulls bodily into the air and plonked them onto the tables. The priestess now turned to Marrahaghshakh and bowed to her, then sneered horribly at Corin, who looked as though he were about to faint again. In either hand she held a knife, and brought them over her head, the sharp blades glittering in the eerie firelight. She turned back to the altar, and started chanting.

"Ot uoy ew reffo eseth secifircas, O Yo Kar! Ssleb sith noinu neewteb ruo feihc dna ynup namuh nam! Tel ynam sessergo eb nrob morf meht, ot ruonoh dna evres uoy! Yo Kar, Yo Kar, Yo Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!" She began to circle around the two bulls, still chanting in her strange, singsong way. Suddenly she stopped and gave a mighty roar. "Won doolb eb tlips rof uoy, Yo Kar!" And she brought the knives swinging down in a glittering arc, and killed the bulls. A moan came up from the hidden slaves as two fountains of blood gushed from the bulls' slit throats. "Yo Kar, Yo Kar, Yo Kaarr!" They all fell prostrate in front of the statue, bawling their eyes out and wailing more nonsense.

Corin's mind raced. The statue must be the Yo Kar they were blabbering about, he thought. Most likely some weird ogress goddess or something. And the bulls were probably sacrifices. This was most likely a bunch of ogress wedding rituals. What would happen next?

As though to answer his question, the priestess turned back to Corin and Marrahaghshakh, a solemn expression on her face. Standing between the two, she began chanting again. Concluding the prayer, or blessing, or whatever it was, with another mighty roar that made Corin wince, the priestess suddenly fell silent and looked at Marrahaghshakh and Corin expectantly. Puzzled, Corin stared at Marrahaghshakh, who was beginning to grin. What was he supposed to do? The realization brought a sudden wave of nausea and the feeling that his stomach had just dropped to the floor crashing over him as Marrahaghshakh closed her eyes, pursed her lips and started to bring her face close to his. _No way!_ He was expected to _kiss_ that…**thing**! _Definitely_ time to bring the plan in action! Now!

Letting out a sudden, blood-curdling yell that had the priestess stagger backwards in surprise and Marrahaghshakh open her eyes and stare at him stupidly, Corin leapt into the air, karate-chopping the two ogresses. And **Lo and Behold!** It wasn't Corin at all! It was Kate!

"Hiyyaah!" she yelled, her arms whirring around faster than the eye could follow, "Take this, you filthy creatures! Take this, and this, and THIS! Yeehaa!" With a quick final punch, she leapt clear of priestess and leader. Dodging the slaves that jumped out at her to prevent her from escaping, she ran across the chamber and out the door. As soon as she got out, she paused to let the ogresses catch sight of her taking the hall on the right. Doubling back, she snuck outside by way of the drawbridge, which the thick-headed ogresses had unwittingly left down. Kate kept her back to the wall, doubling up her fists so that she could protect herself from any attackers.

At last she was back with her horse and husband, whom she had helped out of the castle the night before. Corin sighed and fluttered his eyelashes.

"Oh, Kate," he gushed. "How romantic! You saved me again! And on our wedding anniversary, too! You're my hero!"

Kate brushed aside his compliments. "Ah, it was nothing. One can always expect such marvelous bravery and greatness from one such as I," she said modestly. "But you owe me big. I _so_ did not go through that horrible wedding thing for nothing! Anyway, I reckon it's time we leave. 'Is Majesty is prob'ly waitin' fer us at th' Royal Castle. Guess I'd better 'ave a shower first, though," she added, sniffing her clothes and gagging. "That Eau de Ogre stuff _really_ ain't gonna be th' next hit scent." And then she placed her husband on the back of her horse and rode out into the sunset, never to be seen or heard of in those parts again.

**And still not the end!**


	8. Part 3: The Start of a New Misadventure

**Hello again, beloved reviewers! I'm quite sure this is going to be one of your favourite parts, since this deals with Kate specifically. I do feel rather sorry for what happens to her in here, but in the end all will be back to normal!**

**Remember, people, keep reviewing! I thrive on your reviews! Plus you get free virtual chocolate! Who could resist?**

**I especially dedicate this chapter, and the beginning of a new misadventure, to EvenSong, who even included a recommendation of my story on her profile!**

**A note to the aforementioned EvenSong: I noticed your story about Red Riding Hood's sisters and I liked it! I also just thought to tell you that I've written a story about Red Riding Hood, and will soonstart posting itjust for you! **

Months later, after Kate had spent quite some time with Corin, she went out adventuring once more. Once again her name and great deeds were sung about 'round fires, and tales of her adventures echoed 'round cozy chambers in which children listened with awe.

But right now Kate didn't feel all that great. She was lost, cold, footsore, hungry, thirsty, and very, very grumpy. The bright spring sun did nothing to lift her spirits. Slumping down dejectedly against a tree trunk, Kate scowled up at the cheerily beaming sun. "Stop mocking me, you horrid big yellow ball hanging in the sky," she grumbled. "Why do _you_ have to be so bloody happy while _I_'m lost, cold, footsore, hungry, thirsty and grumpy? It's not fair!" She scowled again, then beckoned to her horse.

"Get over here, mate, lemme check if there's anything worth eating in the saddlebags." The stallion obediently moved to his mistress's side, and Kate rummaged half-heartedly through the saddlebags. All she came up with was a loaf of stale bread and a beaker of rancid water. She stared at them gloomily until her horse neighed, nudging her gently. She held the opened flagon up to its nose, allowing the stallion to lap some up with his tongue.

"Sorry, old chap, but t'is all we've got right now," she said miserably. She was interrupted by a gagging sound. Jumping to her feet, she hurried around and thumped her stallion on the back. He quieted down, although he did bare his teeth at her threateningly when she offered him some more water. "All right, all right, hold your horses!" she grumbled, then brightened up. "Haha, get it, hold your horses? Hahahaha…" her voice trailed away as her horse indicated that he was clearly not amused by her pathetic attempt at a joke.

"Hmph. Well, nothing to do. May as well try to swallow this stuff down." Grimacing with distaste, she dipped the stale bread in the water and tentatively brought it to her mouth. As soon as it touched her tongue, however, she gagged and spat it out.

"Ugh! Blugh! YUCK! That stuff is disgusting!" She scratched at her tongue, trying to get rid of the foul taste, and tossed the water and bread on the ground, watching as a stream of ants hurried to carry the bread away. She gazed at them, giggling when one end of the crust fell and one of the ants was trapped at the bottom. Its friends quickly helped it, and, to Kate's astonishment, it turned round and stuck its tongue at her. She stuck her tongue out right back.

After the ants left, Kate stood up, stretching. Taking her horse's reins in one hand, she led it up the path slowly, gloomily wondering what Corin was doing at that moment. Let's see…it was morning, so he was probably baking something…maybe the double-chocolate fudge brownies he knew she adored…or some fluffy scones, topped with whipped cream and chocolate-covered strawberries…mmmm…drooling as she thought of Corin's baking prowess, she didn't notice the old lady in a nun's uniform standing in the middle of the path until she nearly tripped over her.

"Watch it, oldie!" Kate cried indignantly. "You nearly tripped me! Now get out of the way!" The old woman stared at her for a moment, then started cackling in a hideously cracked voice. "Heehee, wants me out of her way, eh, dearie! Heehee, doesn't know where she's going, wants me out of the way! Heeheeheehee!" The old lady kept chuckling to herself, rocking back and forth on the balls of her heels.

Kate stared at the old woman. She was tiny and hunched, with a face more wrinkled than a bowlful of walnuts. Obviously she was just as nutty. She peered at Kate intently through a pair of tiny crystal spectacles that were perched on the end of her beaky noise. The way she was talking to herself, she must be more than a little crazy.

Kate decided to adopt a new tactic to get the old lady out of the way. "'Scuse me, old lady, kin yer git outta me way? Please?" Kate gave her a pleading, puppy-eyes-that-you-can't-resist look. The old lady stopped cackling and stared back at Kate, looking thoughtful. _Yes!_ Kate thought, _She's gonna crack! No one can resist my puppy-eyes look!_ The old woman shook her head. Damn! Kate swore colorfully. "Now, now, young lady, watch your language!" the old woman reprimanded. "Now come on, you're coming with me to the old abbey. Come on, hurry up, lazybones!" She grabbed Kate's hand in a surprisingly strong grip, taking her off to the other side of the path. Bewildered, Kate wondered what was happening. This doddering old lady had popped up out of nowhere, and was now taking her to goodness-knows-where. Kate tried to escape, twisting her hand and pulling, but the old lady gave her a stern if-you-try-anything-I'm-going-to-spank-your-backside look and clucked disapprovingly. Shuddering as she remembered her own mother's palm landing swift, stinging blows to her tender rump in the days of her youth, Kate meekly stopped and allowed the old woman to leader her further off the path.

**So ends the first chapter of Part 3! Who is this old woman? Where's she taking Kate? Stay tuned for the next chapter! Read and review, O Readers!**


	9. In Which Kate Feels Fear

**Dearest reviewers: Keep reviewing! Thanks to Lulai and EvenSong! Here's another chapter for you to enjoy!**

Kate's feet were sore after walking for so long. Just when she was about to demand that she be released, the old lady stopped and lifted a shaky hand to point directly ahead of them. "There it is! The Old Abbey of Shairwood," she croaked. Kate's mouth dropped. Before her eyes, a gigantic brick building rose from the ground, topped with towers and dotted with large stained-glass windows. The main gates, made of solid oak and iron and flanked by statues of griffins, towered over her. Directly above them two giant bells tolled ten times, indicating the time of day.

The old lady stepped in front of the doors and banged the door three times with the heavy brass lion-headed knocker. The door creaked open, and Kate was swept in without further ado. As soon as Kate and the old lady were inside, the doors slammed shut. The old lady gripped Kate's hand even tighter, and led her through giant halls, long corridors, past rooms of varying sizes, and finally into a huge study, so large that Kate's entire house could fit into it comfortably and still have room to spare. In the middle of the gigantic chamber there was a large desk, and behind it a small figure hunched over a pile of books and dusty papers. The old lady let go of Kate's hand and stepped forward reverently as, in the background, Kate nursed her aching hand and glared.

"Mother Abbess," the old woman croaked loudly, "I'm here!" The hunched figure slowly and creakily straightened and stood up. Kate was amazed. The figure was actually another old lady, older, more wrinkly, and frailer than anyone Kate had ever seen. When she spoke, her voice was as wavy and thin as a reed flute. "So I see, Sister Nutface", she said, fixing Kate with a piercing gaze. Her eyes, despite the rest of her, were as bright and sharp as the edge of Kate's sword. "And who is, may I ask?" she continued, her gaze unwavering. Sister Nutface cleared her throat.

"This is another young lady in need of training, Mother Abbess. I found her wandering around. One look told me that fate had set her on a course for our Abbey, and so I immediately brought her over here, as per instructions."

Mother Abbess nodded, her sharp eyes looking Kate up and down. "Good work, Sister Nutface," she approved, "Excellent. Now take her away and feed and bathe her. Oh, and dress her in decent clothes, please. Look at those rags!" She eyed Kate's ragged tunic the way one would a dead worm. "One of the first things she needs to be taught is how to choose good clothes. Well, that'll be just for starters. I'm sure we'll have a lot to teach her during her stay here." Sister Nutface nodded vigorously in agreement. "Quite so, quite so, Mother Abbess!"

Throughout this entire conversation, Kate had not managed to get in a word edgewise. Now she decided that things had gone too far. "Now look here!" she exclaimed angrily. "What're you two nutters on about? What do you mean, _during my stay here_? I'll be damned if I'm going to stay here a moment longer with you old hags!" As the two old ladies gasped at her language, she put her words into action and spun on her heel and strode determinedly towards the door. But just as she reached the intricately carved oak door, it slammed shut right in her face, inches away from her nose. Kate instinctively jumped back, then spun around again at the sound of manic cackling. She stared at Mother Abbess and Sister Nutface, who were chuckling evilly while they watched Kate with evil sneers on their faces.

"I _am_ sorry," Sister Nutface drawled in her cracked voice, "But I'm _afraid_ we can't let you leave until we're finished with you."

A shiver traveled up and down Kate's spine, leaving her cold with dread. "Whaddya mean, you _can't let me leave_?" she asked slowly, still staring at the two nuns.

Mother Abbess tucked her hands into the wide sleeves of her robe. "We mean what we say, miss. We can't let you leave. Not until we've finished with you."

"_Finished with me?"_ Kate's mouth was suddenly dry, and she swallowed.

Sister Nutface picked up where the Abbess had left off. "Of course. Don't you know who we are? We are the Order of the Sisters of Ladyness. It is our duty to train all young women who come to our Abbey in how to be a proper young lady. And you, my dear, are one of them."

Kate, who hadn't been able to speak while she stared, paralyzed in disbelief, at the two old women, suddenly regained use of her voice. "What the bloody hell! You can't do this to me! Don't you know who _I_ am?" She drew herself to her full height and stared down her nose imperiously at the women, who gasped again at the words 'bloody hell'. "_I_ am Sir Kate Dragon-defeater Steelfist, appointed as such by His Majesty King Arthur of Great Britain and all the rest of it!"

Mother Abbess, recovering from the shock of bad language quicker than Sister Nutface, who was still looked pale, spoke to Kate sharply. "Language, missy! And yes, we _do_ know who you are, which is why we have you here in the first place! You, miss, are a disgrace to feminism! We, the Order of the Sisters of Ladyness, are thus duty-bound to bring you back to the true path of womanhood! We will make you a lady if that's the last thing we do! Sister Nutface, take her away to the Cleanerizing and Mannerizing Rooms! Dismissed!" Banging a gavel on her desk, Mother Abbess waved her hand in dismissal.

As Sister Nutface seized her arm and dragged her out the now-open doors, Kate, for the first time in her life, felt afraid. She let out a blood-curdling scream that was heard throughout the entire abbey.


	10. The Beginning of Bad Things

**Sorry for the short chapter, but it's all I can do right now. I promise more very soon!**

Fifteen minutes later, Sister Nutface had rounded up a posse of stern old nuns and together they had forcefully dumped Kate into a bathtub. Kate, who tried never to have a bath unless absolutely necessary, thought it a torture worse than what she had imagined. As the old sisters scrubbed her, she wailed and tried to fight them off. "Ugh, glug glug! Leggo o' me! Aaah, stop this torture! Glug, lemme go! Yugh!" Sister Grayhair, Nutface's blood sister, grabbed Kate's arm as she tried to escape. "Sit still, you savage!" She said sternly. "We're trying to wash behind your ears. Dearie me, look at the water! Why, it's like mud!"

When they were at last finished washing Kate, she was hauled out, completely pink from the scrubbing. But the sisters were not finished with Kate. After she was wrapped in a fluffy pink towel, they attacked her hair. Sister Grayhair was the only one who ventured to examine it. Parting Kate's shoulder-length hair gingerly, she grimaced and peered at the parting. She stepped back, horrified. "Ugh!" she exclaimed. "You have lice crawling allover you! _How_, for the sake of curiosity, have you been able to stand it?"

Kate scratched her head thoughtfully. "Really?" she asked. "I never knew! Prob'ly 'cause I never bother with washing my hair. Too troublesome, y' know." A gasp came up from the sisters.

"Never washed her hair?" repeated one sister, sounding faint. Another sister cried out, "She's as bad as a heathen! Nay, even worse!" And she swooned dead away.

Sister Grayhair stepped forward resolutely. "Sisters," she said, addressing the crowd, "We have resort to Operation Lice-Removal. And you know what that means!" All the sisters looked grim. "Aye!" They marched out in single file.

**Oooh…looks like Kate's in for it now! I feel sorry for her…but unfortunately, things won't be getting much better for another few chapters!**


	11. Operation LiceRemoval

**Thanks for the reviews! Lol Glaze are you trying to get a chapter dedicated to you:P ;) If yes, well, then you've gotten to me! Here's a chapter dedicated to GLAZE:D :P :)**

When the nuns returned, they were all dressed in white outfits, gloves, goggles, and secure habits. Kate, watching them nervously, thought that they all looked rather like a group of mad scientists about to perform strange experiments. The thought did not help calm her down.

Sister Nutface snapped her fingers. Immediately all the sisters surrounded Kate, not leaving a single space through which she could escape. Sister Grayhair came around to stand behind Kate, bearing aloft a jar of strange, bubbling green liquid. She peered through her goggles at the other nuns. "Sisters," she announced solemnly, "So begins Operation Lice-Removal!" With that, poured the liquid onto Kate's scalp.

"EEEEEEAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!" Kate's scream was one of intense pain; as soon as the green goop touched her scalp, it burned and made a strange sizzling noise. Sister Grayhair looked at Kate sternly. "We have to do this, you know," she informed her, "It's for your own good. And for the good of the entire world." Then she set to rubbing Kate's scalp energetically, resulting in Kate yelling and cursing so badly that all the nurses flinched and several had to leave lest their delicate ears suffer more damage.

After Sister Grayhair was finished, a handful of nuns came forward with a huge basin of water, staggering under its weight. Sister Nutface motioned for Kate to dip her hair in the water, but she jerked her head back and said defiantly, "Never! I have faced dragons, witches, sorcerers, cannibals and ogresses, and defeated them one and all! I shall never submit to you, O thrice-accursed hags and torturers! Never!" She stared them all in the eye, daring anyone to say a word.

Sister Grayhair dared. "Be quiet, you brazen little hussy!" And without further ado, she placed her hand on the back of Kate's neck and forced her head down into the tub. Kate had only the few moments in which to scream loudly, "MURDEREEEEEEEEEEEERS!" before her head and scalp met the water. She screamed again as the fiery heat of the green goop was replaced by icy pain. She twisted and turned, fighting, but Sister Nutface and Grayhair were remarkably strong for all their age and held firm.

After Kate's hair was washed and de-licerized, she was led to another room, where she was actually tied down into a chair while Sister Grayhair advanced towards her, brandishing a hairbrush like a sword. Plunging the bristles of the brush into Kate's hair unmercifully, the old woman poured in gels and sprayed hair sprays and began the long and arduous task of brushing Kate's hair. It wasn't easy, to say the least. Several combs broke while engaged in attempting to get rid of a knot, and everyone started getting serious headaches from Kate's screeching.

Finally Kate's hair was respectable enough for Sister Grayhair to hand the hairbrush over to Sister Nutface, who was standing next to her with her hands clamped over her ears. Another nun gave Sister Grayhair a comb and some styling spray. The next half hour was so terrible that Kate would shiver at the memory of it in years to come. Before her very eyes, her hair was turned from a mess into a gleaming golden-brown mass of curls. Kate, who had had her eyes closed for the most part, opened them, and screamed with terror.

"_Now_ what is it?" Sister Nutface growled. Kate pointed to the face in the mirror in front of her with a trembling finger.

"W-who is t-_that_?" she stammered. Sister Grayhair stepped back, surveying Kate with satisfaction.

"That is _you_, my dear," she said approvingly. "And don't you look pretty! A far sight better than what you looked liked earlier!"

"_Pretty!"_ Kate wailed. "I look…I look _hideous!_ What did you _do_ to me? Oh, the shame, the shame!" And she buried her face in her hands, sobbing piteously.

All the nuns gazed at her, utterly bewildered. "What is _wrong_ with her?" asked one of the sisters.

"I don't know," replied Nutface, "But Mother Abbess told me to send her to the Cleanerizing and Mannerizing Rooms. I'm going to make this girl a real lady, if it kills me to do so!"

Little did she know that it might very well come to that.


	12. Kate Escapes!

_Oh, my dearest, beloved readers and reviewers, I heartily apologize for having vanished from the world of Fanfiction – but you see, the reason I stopped writing for absolute ages was because I was grounded. For a **long** time. I'm still grounded, but the punishment's lessened somewhat. Anyhow, here's the next chapter to Kate's misadventure with the Nuns of the Order of the Sisterhood of Ladyness! Please read and review!_

Though the words 'Cleanerizing and Mannerizing Rooms' had struck fear into Kate's heart, she had no idea what they meant, thinking them to be forms of torture. But the reality was far worse than anything she had imagined.

After her bath, the nuns had dragged her to the Mannerizing Rooms (apparently she had already been 'cleanerized' for the day). But when they arrived, the nun in charge (called 'Manners Mistress') took one look at Kate and pronounced her unprepared for Mannerizing. Kate's hopes leapt sky-high when she heard that, but they went crashing back down to the ground when Sister Nutface decided that she needed to be 'Feminized' first.

"Feminized?" Kate asked dubiously. "What's that mean?" She wished she never heard the answer.

First of all, she was forced to wear a dress. A DRESS! The simple fact that it was a dress was bad enough, but the nuns made it worse by presenting her with a ball gown. A _BALL GOWN_! And not any old ball gown, either – it was a PINK ball gown! With _frills_! And _lace!_ And _beads!_ And _embroidered flowers and butterflies!_ Oh, horror! Kate felt as though she'd rather die than wear that, that _THING,_ and she told the nuns so.

They made it clear that they wouldn't take no for an answer, but Kate didn't go without a struggle. Using all her incredible strength and wily tricks that she'd picked up from years of fighting bad guys, she fought hard against the handful of ancient nuns who were the toughest enemies she'd ever faced in her long career of knighthood. And lost. Even as the nuns triumphantly pulled the dress over her head and exclaimed about how different, how much better she looked, she couldn't believe it. How in all of Not-So-Merry Olde England did a handful of doddering ladies manage to defeat _her_, the great Sir Kate Dragon-defeater Steelfist? _How!_

She moaned in despair, causing the nun applying a layer of bright-red lipstick on her pouting lips to snap at her angrily. Kate just sulked, then yelped in pain as another nun, working on her eyebrows, yanked hard with the tweezers and eyed the several hairs contained in the metal grip with satisfaction.

Then she noticed a group of nuns preparing what looked like a small dish of caramel, next to a pile of Popsicle sticks. Kate's eyes lit up. She loved caramel! Maybe these old women weren't that bad, after all…

"Hey, you!" she called out, "Sister Nuthead, or something! What's that? Caramel?" She licked her lips hungrily.

Sister Nutface raised her eyebrows. "Caramel?" She cackled nastily, sending shivers of apprehension up and down Kate's spine. Suddenly, she didn't feel that it was caramel. She was right.

"Caramel?" Sister Nutface repeated. "No, my dear. No, it's not caramel at all. It's wax."

"_Wax?_ What the heck are you going to use _wax_ for?"

Sister Nutface smiled, slowly and luxuriously, all her rotten teeth displayed to full effect. Kate felt ill, and shut her eyes.

"My dear girl," Sister Nutface purred, "We are going to wax your legs."

Kate's eyes popped open again, staring in horror. "WHAT!"

One of the nuns approached, leering, bearing a tray on which the little bowl of wax and a pile of Popsicle sticks lay. Picking up a Popsicle stick delicately, Sister Nutface dipped it into the melted wax, eyeing it as little drops slowly _plop plopped_ back into the bowl. Kate turned pale. Sister Nutface brought the stick, slathered in wax, to Kate's bared leg, and slowly, deliberately, smoothed the wax over it. Kate flinched, though the wax was already cooling. In fact, the sensation of the warm wax gently smeared on her leg was…pleasant.

But then Sister Nutface picked up a strip of cloth and laid it over the wax. "What's that for?" Kate asked curiously.

Sister Nutface smiled again, making Kate feel uneasy. She was smiling _way_ too much. It was getting pretty creepy. "You will see," was all she said. Then she took hold of a corner of the cloth – and yanked it away.

This was the last straw. Kate cracked. Screaming like a madwoman, curlers in her hair, one eyebrow half-plucked, strips of cloth covering wax on her legs, face smeared with make-up, she leapt up from the table of torture, and ran for her life. She sprinted to the stables, saddled her horse, leapt onto it, and galloped out the giant gates of the Abbey, leaving the nuns to gather at the gateway and stare as she disappeared into the distance, the ribbons of her pink ball gown streaming in the wind.

When Kate finally arrived at her estates, it was to jump off her horse into Corin's arms, sobbing hysterically. For the next few months, Kate shrieked and went into hiding at the sight of women, middle-aged to ancient. Nor could she stand the sight of anything feminine, from dresses, ribbons, make-up, and especially wax. This, of course, left Corin in a dreadful fix. But, heaving a great, theatrical sigh, Corin obediently switched to wearing plain black and brown breeches with a plain white shirt, and spent the next while trying to give Kate therapy. It worked, a bit, so that Kate could finally step foot into the streets without falling into hysterics every time she saw a woman with so much as a spot of rouge on her cheeks, though she did occasionally have sudden fits, mostly when they were invited to palace balls, where women dressed in the most outrageous and fancy outfits. Nevertheless, Kate did recover, and life went on as usual – for a while.

_A/N: I know, this chapter really sucked – but my first printed original copy got thrown out my dad, and without it I had to re-do the whole thing! As a result, this misadventure was cut considerably shorter and lacks my stuff's usual luster. But don't let this stop you from reading the next, last misadventure! Read and review, people, or, to quote my friend: You shall be cursed with poverty, you will belong to the ranks of rats, and this misfortune will continue in your family for four generations! _

_P.S. The next, last misadventure is gonna be up really soon!_


	13. Part 4: A Feast, A Faerie, & A Curse

_This is the first chapter of Part 4 of the Marvelous Misadventures of Sir Kate and Lady Corin, which is also going to be the end of it, forever. But don't despair yet! A couple more chapters will still appear before you'll have to leave me forever – or at least until I write another fic. Read, Revel, and Review! _

Soon after Kate had been 'captured' by the nuns of the Order of the Sisterhood of Ladyness, and subsequently recovered from the trauma, King Arthur decided to have a feast. Kate, of course, was one of the first to be invited, as she was an honory member of the Round Table, and Corin was also invited, as he was the sewing master at the castle. Now, King Arthur's feasts were not to be taken lightly, and even Kate worried about what she was going to wear. Corin, of course, fussed more than usual, and for a whole week Kate had to endure her husband asking whether the pink silk shirt looked more becoming, or if he should wear white roses or red.

At last the day came, and Kate and her husband set out on white horses to the king's castle, which was less than ten minutes away. As they went through the gates, the herald announced their arrival. "H'anda now, here comes Her Noble Braveness, the Sir Kate! And with her comes his wife…I mean her husband, His Complete Fussiness, the Lady Corin! Welcome ye, and may ye enjoy this day!"

"I'd enjoy it a lot more if you kept your voice down, pipsqueak," muttered Kate, clamping her hands over his ears. As they entered the courtyard, Kate and her husband dismounted, handing their horses over to the servants who stood by the wall. Kate swept off her helmet and bowed low, and Corin gave a graceful curtsy as they stood in front of the High Table where King Arthur and his wife, Queen Guineveve (she was Guinevere's twin sister, if you want to know), sat. Arthur laughed, and beckoned them to sit down. They did so, and my, what a fine feast they had! As they ate and drank (Kate drank a little _too_ much), minstrels sang songs to them, and recited poems about the deeds of great warriors. King Arthur had arranged a surprise for Kate and Corin, and surprised they were when the court bard rose and began to tell the tale of how Kate and Corin met. In two seconds flat, everyone burst into fits of laughter. Kate and Corin, however, couldn't see what was so funny, and remained quite serious throughout the entire telling, Kate nodding gravely and hurrahing for herself when the bard told about her battle with the dragon. After that, the dragon (who had also been invited) provided them more entertainment, for he knew an awful lot of tricks, and together he and Kate re-enacted their 'battle'. When everyone became a little drunk, the king sobered them up by bringing out the seven good faeries who lived in his kingdom. They flew above the crowd, singing soft, gentle songs and plucking at tiny golden harps. At the end of the performance, they shook their wings, and golden powder fell into the food and drink, making it look like real gold and jewels, and making them taste better than ever. Before they fluttered down to their seats to partake of the meal, they clapped their hands, and flowers appeared everywhere. Laughing and cheering, the crowd sat down to dessert.

A shadow fell upon the company. All sounds of merry-making ceased, and a terrified silence ensued. King Arthur raised his head, and paled. Before the High Table, a gruesome figure stood. It was tall, and looked like a woman, but how hideous she was! She was tall, and wore a black gown that fell in glittering folds around her feet, and bright green snakes circled her arms and neck, raising their heads and peering at the shivering crowd, their tongues flicking in and out. Her hair hung about her shoulders and down her back in wet strands, looking like weeds from the bottom of the sea. Fish heads crowned her head, and her wicked black eyes glittered. The funniest thing about her was her nose, which was absurdly long, and had a booger hanging from the tip, but it NEVER fell off. Kate was about to laugh out loud when she noticed the black wings sprouting from the lady's back, and the long black wand that she held tightly in her fist. Kate wisely kept her silence, not wishing to spend the rest of her life as a frog. The evil faerie (for that was what she was), glared at everyone, especially that king. At last she spoke. "Why," she demanded, in a voice that was evil itself, "was I NOT invited to this feast? WHY!" The tables themselves shook with terror. The king rose. He was pale, as aforesaid, but he still remained polite. "Lady," he began, "we did not leave you out intentionally. It was just that no one had heard of you for many years, and we did not know where you lived. Please forgive us, and I bid you sit down and partake of this feast." He sat down, and ordered another place to be set at the tables, but they were different from the others, for the others were made of solid gold, and he had only ordered them to be made for the known guests. The evil faerie sat down accordingly, but she did not eat the food on her plate. Instead, she waved her wand over the food, and a great cloud of grey and foul smelling smoke appeared over it. When it cleared, everyone could see (and smell) that instead of a slice of the finest venison, the bodies of five burnt rats lay on her plate. She grinned evilly, and dug in with an evident relish. Watching her, Kate lost her appetite, and pushed away the fruit pasties in front of her. Corin turned green and pressed his handkerchief against his lips.

For dessert the evil faerie turned the delicate, sugar bonbons into mould covered plums, and the applesauce was turned into green gloop. Most of the ladies present, however, did not see this, for they (and Corin) had fainted dead away.

At the end of the feast, all the guests rose and presented the king with a gift. When it was the faeries' turn, the first one smiled and pointed at Queen Rosemary. "Your queen shall soon have a child, a daughter," the faerie said. Then she vanished in a puff of gold smoke, leaving behind the smell of roses. The second faerie came forward. Pointing her glowing wand at the queen, she said, "Your daughter will be the most beautiful person in the world." She too, vanished. The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth all gave the unborn child gifts such as a beautiful voice, gracefulness, the ability not to burp rudely, and great intelligence. After the seventh faerie bestowed her gift, the evil faerie came forward. Pointing to the queen, who had turned white with fear, she growled, "I cannot undo the spells that my foolish sisters have bestowed unto thy child, but I can still have a bit of fun. Because thou didst not invite me, and because thou hast humiliated me by giving me ordinary cutlery instead of ones of pure gold, I shall curse one of thy guests that thou hast invited to this feast." She whirled around to face the terrified guests, and pointed to the first person she laid her eyes on. "Thou shall prick thy finger upon a needle, and shall fall into a deep sleep, from which thou canst not be awoken from save with love's first…burp! Muhahaha!" Cackling with glee, she lifted her arms and vanished in a puff of green smoke.

**_Muahahahaha! I'm leaving you with a cliffhanger! Who was cursed? What'll happen? Review, I'll update, you'll find out - it's as simple as that! Toodles, for now!_**


	14. Corin and the Curse!

Everyone turned around to look at the cursed person. It was Corin. Kate was looking at him in a strange way, unsure of whether to feel honoured or not to have a husband under a curse. People sitting next to them began to edge away.

Corin turned green, then white, and then gave a small scream and fainted.

Everyone was silent. The king and queen looked grave, Kate still looked unsure, Corin was still knocked out, and all the other guests were looking terribly frightened. Finally the king whispered an order to one of his servants, and all the guests' horses were brought forth.

The feast ended in silence and fear. All the guests went home in unusual silence, and there was no jesting or laughing. Kate, too, was unusually quiet, and Corin was scared out of his wits. He jumped about a foot high when Kate sneezed, and for the first time in his life he rode like a man. Every time he heard something, he would glance around, then shiver and pull his fur coat around him tighter. Kate felt sorry for her husband, but there was nothing she could think of to cheer him up. When they got home they immediately went to bed. Kate was so worried that for the first time in her life, she did not snore.

The next morning however, everything seemed to be normal. Corin did not topple over, falling into a deep sleep, and the sun still shone, and the grass was still green, though Kate was ready to contradict that fact when she saw the front lawn had turned purple. But she found out what had happened when she caught the servants giggling and pouring a large vat of purple dye onto the grass in the back yard. She put a stop to it immediately, though she did keep the rest of the dye, to dye Corin's lacy white nightgown he had bought from the fair last week. She was sure he would freak out, and couldn't wait to see the look on his face.

But alas, something did happen, something that prevented Kate from carrying out her diabolical plan to dye Corin's white nightgown purple, for a while, at least.

The something happened at high noon of that fateful day. Corin, who had his duties at the castle, had been teaching several young ladies on how to behave if they wanted to become successful in society. Lowering his rear end gently, he sat down on a fluffy pink armchair. "Remember, girls, you must ALWAYS have your ankles crossed properly. Otherwise, how will you find a husband? No one wants to marry a lady who doesn't cross her ankles. And always position your feet so that your feet, in their new shoes, are only just poking out. This will make people ask to see your shoes, which, of course, will be of the latest fashion. When people, most preferably young gentlemen, inquire about your shoes, withdraw your foot gently and hold it out, just so." Corin acted it out perfectly, while fluttering his eyelashes demurely at the invisible gentleman who had asked to see his fashionable shoes. "Do you understand, girls, how to do it?"

"Yes, Madame Corin!" chirped Corin's three pupils.

Next, Corin, after checking that the skirts of his dress were spread, pulled out a tiny piece of embroidery. "And girls, ALWAYS tuck in your elbows. Otherwise, how will you find husbands? No one wants to marry a lady who doesn't tuck in her elbows."

"Yes, Madame Corin!" chirped Corin's three pupils.

"Girls, one of the most important things is to hold your embroidery in such a way that people, ESPECIALLY young gentlemen, are compelled to stand next to you and gaze in awe at your wonderful work. But do NOT hold it in such a way that people feel that you are boasting. And you must also keep your eyes on the person who is talking, all the while embroidering perfectly, with not a stitch out of place."

Suddenly Corin gave a small shriek, for in attempting to act out his own instructions, he had pricked his finger on the needle. Kate, who had been sitting outside the door, listening and looking through the keyhole while holding her sides as she laughed silently, heard the shriek.

Immediately she burst into the room, but alas, the evil curse had done its deed. Having arranged himself elegantly before passing out, Corin now lay still as death.


	15. The Lone Tower

That afternoon, everyone in the castle, from the king to the stable hands to the servants, gathered in the Great Hall.

"My friends," began the king. "It is with great sorrow that I must announce that the curse bestowed upon a great friend of ours has come into effect. Lady Corin, wife-I mean _husband,_ of Sir Kate, has pricked his finger on a needle. And we all know what happened. It is my wish, however, that until our good friend revives, that the Lone Tower, which we all know of, shall be his resting place until such a time comes that he shall be able to leave. In half an hour, all those who wish to witness the placing of Lady Corin in the Lone Tower may join the group of those who shall perform the ceremony. Wait near the stables. That is all for now. Good day."

At the king's words, Kate gave a huge sob, and pressed her face into the kerchief Corin had given her on her last birthday.

A half hour later, the king, the queen, Kate, and pretty much everyone else who had known Corin set off for the Lone Tower. It took them only fifteen minutes, so everyone was still fresh in mourning, and wasn't getting bored yet.

The Lone Tower was a single tower, which had been built long ago, so long ago indeed that Master Peridan, the oldest person in England, being a hundred and two years old, could remember that it had been old even when he had been a young boy. The Lone Tower seemed to have a strange enchantment, for it let few people in, and it always looked different. It seemed to have a mind, almost, and it seemed also to have feelings, much like a person, for anyone could tell when it was happy or sad.

Kate remembered going inside it once, when she was a girl, young, carefree, and innocent-well, maybe not _too_ innocent, because when she had gone inside it, she had been running away from her mother, who had been chasing her around the house with a broom because she had poured thick, golden pancake syrup onto a chair that her old, fat granny used. The problem was that Kate's granny had lowered her rather large rear end onto it (which is to say she sat down on it), and when she started to rise, the chair got a little _stuck_ onto her bottom. It stayed stuck for a full minute until it had to say its sad farewell, and slowly, with a large _squelch_, resumed its normal position. The tower had seemed to enjoy having Kate occupy it, because it had provided Kate with many amusements, including indoor fireworks and a whoopee cushion to keep.

But now the tower had itself decorated perfectly. It had turned its stones black, and large wreaths of mournful looking flowers hung from its walls. From the spire on the tower roof fluttered a black banner, on which was written in gold letters, "Farewell, Lady Corin, for now."

It opened its door wide to the mourning group, and allowed them use of its large, hidden elevator (though of course they didn't know what it was called). Inside, too was perfectly arranged. There was only one room, and it, too was hung with flowers and black banners. A large four-poster bed, with black linen sheets, a black quilt, and a black pillow, was in the middle of the room. As soon as they lay Corin in the bed, a bouquet of thornless white roses appeared in his folded hands. Coming from nowhere, the mournful music of harps swirled around them. Then, gently, the tower pushed them out. It allowed Kate one more glance at her slumbering husband, but then she, too, was pushed out.

_Yeah, short chapter, I know, but this is the second-to-last chapter! Review!_


	16. The Curse is Broken, & The End?

That night, the tower worked its magic into the whole country. When Kate woke up, it was rather late, and she was quite surprised to see the maids lying in the hallways and snoring loudly, clutching their brooms. She was just as surprised to see the cook sitting at the breakfast table, a plate of food in front of him, and a knife and fork in his fists, fast asleep, his chef's hat lopsided on his bald head. When the sight of the horses, cows, cats and dogs of the village all lying on the ground and snoring away in their respective shelters, met her eyes, Kate knew something was going on. This was confirmed when she entered the abode of every villager and found them all snoozing. Every time she tried to shake them awake, they would merely turn over, give a grunt or two, and go back to sleep. The most she got was from the maid, who mumbled out the instructions of how to make different colour dyes, and where she was going to meet her sweetheart in secret that night. Kate jotted down everything on a notepad, but when she asked for more information, the maid shut her half-open eyelids and went back to sleep. Kate got no more out of her.

As she was eating a hasty breakfast of pound cake and coffee, Kate suddenly remembered the words to the witch's curse. Corin would only be woken by his love. And, as everyone knows, Kate was Corin's only love. As soon as Kate realized this, she got up from breakfast, ran to the stables, saddled her horse, and took off for the Lone Tower.

When she got there, she was amazed to see that it was surrounded by a huge rosebush, which was about twenty feet tall. The thorns were almost as wide as Kate herself. Kate stood there for a minute, just staring with her mouth hanging open. Only when her horse farted loudly, filling the air with a horrid stink, did she move.

Kate, still on her horse, drew her sword and slipped her shield onto her left arm. With a cry, she leapt into the bush, swinging her sword. To her surprise, however, the bush melted away before her before she could even touch a single thorn.

"Oh!" said Kate, surprised, "How convenient!" She sheathed her sword, and rode on till she arrived at the tower. A small door was the only entrance into the tower, so Kate tied up her horse, banged the door open, and ran up the steps, her boots making a noise that could wake the dead. Unfortunately, it didn't wake Corin, so Kate had to go through the bother of breaking the curse by herself.

Running into the room Corin slept in, Kate skidded to a stop, gasping for breath. When she caught her breath, she told it severely, "Breath, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times. Don't make me have to catch you!"

Finishing lecturing her breath, Kate made her way to her sleeping husband's side. As she looked down at him tenderly, her face softened, making her look more like a proper maiden.

She bent down… and shook Corin roughly. "Get up, Corin!" she yelled in his ear. Corin didn't get up. All he did was give a loud, unladylike snore, and then turn over. Kate sighed. What on earth was she going to do? Then she remembered the words of the evil faerie. Corin would only be woken by love's first _burp._

Kate whipped out a flask of Coke, gulped it down, and took a deep breath. "_Urp!_"

Kate's burp was so loud that it echoed round the countryside, and could be heard (and smelt) for miles around.

As Kate bent down to look at him, Corin's eyes began to flutter open. He yawned, and remembered to cover it gracefully with his kerchief, which had been held daintily in his hand. "Oh, Kate dear!" he exclaimed, sitting up and throwing his arms around Kate's neck. "You've rescued me yet again! Oh, my darling, thank you, _thank you_!"

Kate patted her husband's back awkwardly. "Er, yeah, you're welcome. Come on, let's go. We've got tell the king that the curse is broken. Who knows, maybe we'll get an award or something. Maybe the court bard will record this new misadventure in a song or story or something."

And so, hand in hand, Kate and Corin left the tower and rode back to the castle. The gigantic rosebush was gone, leaving only a bunch of huge pink roses, and a very strong, sweet smell in the air.

The tower had changed itself again, and now the stones were white, and the flag on the spire was no longer black. It was white, and gold letters reading 'Welcome back, Lady Corin!' glittered in the sun.

It seemed that when Kate had woken Corin up, everyone else under enchantment had woken up, too. Kate later insisted that it was because of her great power, but everyone else said that it was because the stench she had let out when she burped. Kate's mother made a point of spraying the house with air freshener every time Kate came over to visit, and she would hold her nose if Kate so much as opened her mouth. This really ticked Kate off, but let's forget about that for now and return to where we had left off.

Kate was right about getting an award. King Arthur did award them, with a huge trophy bearing the words 'To the Funniest, Most Loving (and Weirdest) Couple in the Whole of Merry Olde England'. He also held a great feast in their honour. This time, there was no bad faerie present, and life went on as normal for Sir Kate and Lady Corin. After this last bizarre incident, nothing else that happened to them was considered strange. But they were so popular that their life stories were handed down through the ages, which was how I heard of them, and how you, through me, got to know about them.

Well, I think this is the part where I write in capital letters 'The End.' But it's not really the end, is it? Or is it? Okay, maybe it _is_ the end. But maybe it's not. Can you help me out? Tell me, is this _really_ the end? Yeah? No? Good grief, I asked you to help me, not mix me up some more. You know, I'm just going to write 'The End' in spite of what you say. So there!

**The End**

(See, I put it in. Hah! I can decide when the end is as good as anybody. Wait a sec, is it the end? Aaaaarhhhhhh!)

_Well, my beloved readers, this is the end! My account of Kate and Corin's Misadventures is officially over, and now we must part – at least, until I write another fic, but I don't know when that'll be. Nevertheless, I urge you to continue to write reviews! And now, dear readers – farewell._


	17. A New Misadventure!

**Jedi Knight Padme here! Yes, I have returned! I know, I know - you thought that Kate & Corin's Marvelous Misadventures were at an end, right? Well, so did I! Until, that is, a plot bunny jumped at me out of nowhere and refused to stop gnawing at me until I actually wrote this down! So here is the result: the first chapter of a new misadventure! Read, enjoy, and REVIEW!**

**P.S. To the reviewer who said Corin was gay - he's NOT! Let this chapter be proof of it! **

It was a lovely spring morning, and both Kate and Corin were beside themselves in excitement, although for drastically different reasons.

For Corin, the Annual Caer Tintagel Spring and Summer Designer Fashion Show began the next day, launching the week-long event, which was THE place to go if you were Someone on the Medieval Social Scene, or the writer of "In Medieval Style" or the Gossip and Entertainment column. And, of course, since Corin himself had designed several outfits (to be modeled on several of his own pupils, recently graduated from his Finishing School for Young Ladies), he received not only free tickets to the gala, but also a guaranteed spot in the limelight. He was elated.

As for Kate, who couldn't care less about females in frills (although she did think that several of the male models looked very fine indeed…she glanced at her husband, who was packing their valises, and sighed. There was nothing wrong with his looks, but if only he was a bit more…masculine.) she was going to participate in a weeklong intensive workshop being hosted by King Arthur for his Knights of the Round Table, also being held at Caer Tintagel. It meant long days of harsh, gruelling exercise and labour, with lots of blood, sweat, and tears involved. She couldn't wait.

Corin looked up from folding a pair of pants to see Kate prancing about their room, swinging her sword in the air carelessly as she leapt about, duelling imaginary weapons.

"Please, Kate," he said, eyeing her nervously, "Do be careful with that thing, won't you?" As he returned to his meticulous folding and packing away of garments, he sighed inwardly. He loved Kate, he really did, but sometimes…sometimes he wished that she were a bit more…feminine. Oh, he wasn't saying that she ought to throw away her grand life as an adventuring knight in shining armour, but could she not, just once, wear the lovely blue gown that he'd bought her from the fair, in which he was positively sure that she'd look absolutely radiant?

Meanwhile, Kate had put her sword away and was now bouncing enthusiastically on the bed.

"We're going to Caer Tintagel, we're going to Caer Tintagel!" she chanted as she bounced. "Fun and games and guts and gore!" She whooped and then fell backwards onto the bed, humming to herself.

Corin winced at 'guts and gore'. Blood stains were _so_ hard to get rid of, and Kate _always_ came home a fantastic mess.

He finished folding his nightshirt (sky blue, embroidered stars on the sleeves and hem, and silver tassels dangling from the shoulders) and sat beside Kate on the bed, gazing dreamily out the window.

"Oh, it shall be marvellous," he sighed happily. "My darling girls are all grown up now! To think that _they_, who were chubby-cheeked little dolls only a while ago, are going to be sashaying down the catwalk, displaying none other than _my_ own creations! It's a dream come true!"

"I do hope you win first prize," Kate said honestly. "You've worked jolly hard for so long, you deserve it."

"And I hope that you win, too," said Corin tenderly, glancing lovingly at his wife. "I think that you're the best out of all the Knights of the Round Table!"

Kate blushed uncharacteristically and lowered her eyelashes. Corin leaned towards her.

And then maid walked in without knocking, ruining the romantic moment. Kate scowled. Corin sighed. And the maid said, "Sir and Lady, the carriage is ready. Driver says hurry or he'll take the luggage and leave you behind." She flounced out of the room, oblivious to Kate making faces at her retreating back.

"Oh, well," said Corin resignedly. "Next time, love." Kate looked considerably more cheerful.

"All right, then," she said, "It's off to Caer Tintagel!" She grabbed the luggage piled on the bed, and strode out the door, Corin trailing along in her wake.

**I forgot to say that this chapter/whole misadventure may seem a little different...if so, then it's due to my writing style having evolved somewhat. Tell me what you think! All reviews (flames included:P) are welcome, and if some are long enough or ask questions, I may just send you a review reply! So pretty please read and review!**

**Jedi Knight Padme **


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